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| so a lot has been going on in the last month or so now. and its already almost the end of the year. which i can not believe in its self. that is just really crazy and every thing. we had a friend move in and he has been helping alot around the house and what not. he now has a job fixing X Box 360s which is cool. we also have a new graphics card in our computer and it runs a lot better now. im happy to say that i like having our friend here. and pretty soon his bussins is going to take off and we will be moving. i cant wait for that.
im more happier now too... cuz i no longer work at that crappy ass job. with the crappy ass people. a lot of them want me to come back and work in that damn kitchen. i told them not even if hell did freeze over. not even if i died and came back to life (as a zombie) but a good one. i still would not work in that damn place. the only thing that i do miss is the damn pay check. but still it was never really that big in the first place.
my b-day was okay this year. i had my hair redyed blue and got to go swimming and then i got to drink a lot.... which i never do. so it was pretty funny. lol!! ~.~ then that weekend we went down and saw my family who likes nothing better to other then plan things around my bday and have nothing to really do with me.
so this time next give or take my hubby and i will be making a lot more money and maybe go to rome for my bday... and if my parents ask to go then they have to pay their own way.... lol..... thats an in side joke btw..... if you want to know then leave a commit and i will tell you....
but other then that every thing is going okay.... have a nice day
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| it is a week from my birthday and every thing fell through. even going to my parents. why is that i try so hard to see them and they cant make time for me? but they can make time for my brothers? i really dont get it. i mean my step mom tries, most of the time, but its really all about my brothers. i really just dont get it. what did i do so worng where my own father cant make time for me but can make time for my brothers? they say they love me. but they dont show it. every year since i turned 18 its been this way. and its getting old im starting to think that maybe i should not make plans. my friends from sac are more family to me then my own family is. i really dont get that. all i really wanted for my b-day was to have two friends and their son with them, at my parents house. i was going to pay for dinner and what not. but no my stupid father had to flip out on me. like i was trying to in posse on them. once he had said that i just hung up on him. at that time he had handed the cell to my step mom. why is that i try so damn to be loved by this family when they dont even show me? i just really dont get it any more. i think that i am also done trying.
oh... so i did quit my job. saturday is my last day. i thought that i could handle it. but i cant. i cant stand how fake people are. one night i stayed hella late and wash the damn matts that are on the floor for the stove and dish washer. and hella cleaned every thing. i didnt even get a thank you. the girl that i worked with got the damn thank you. i help every one in that damn kitchen and do i get any in return? No. i ask and they are like i have to do this. yet they stand around fucking talking. and one of the guys makes cookies for the snack tray, and he leaves the damn dough in the mixing thing. and let it get hard and take about 20 mins to clean that damn thing when its needed for other things. i go out of my way to try and please these damn people and i get nothing back. i feed off that. i like to make people happy and if i cant i just dont know how to make them happy. i just cant stand them being so damn fake all the damn time. maybe if they werent maybe i could stay and work. but i dont think that is going to happen any time soon.
thats all i really ask for. all i try to do is make people happy and yet the only one i can really make happy is my husband. and even then i know for a fact that some times i drive him to be insane. i dont know why i am so damn crazy. maybe its time that i see a therapist. but i mean the last time that i tryed that i just kind of sat there. and didnt even talk to her. and that was when i was 14. they thought that i was trying to kill my self. when really i was seeing if i was still alive. to see if i can was real or not. no one really under stand why most would do that. they thought that i was trying to get the action form my parents. but really all i was trying to do was see if i really existed. there were times that i wanted to die. but then i would try to find the happieness that in others. and then i started to feed off of other people. so what i am trying to say is that i need that engery that others give off to kind of make my self happy. and my hubby has told me not to do that any more. i tryed and i cant just not do it. it makes my really happy if i can make some one happy.
like for example: one of my coworkers never has a money to get anything for self. no even enough money to buy new shoes for work. and the shoes that she was wearing to work had holes and things like that in them. so i talked to my hubby and asked if we could buy her shoes for b-day. and he had said yeah. so we bought her a pair of DC shoes. i know they last a long time cuz i have a pair and my hubby has a matching pair to mine. we have had them for almost 3 years. and he go through shoes like water most of the time. but these have stayed good. like they look almost bran new. and he wears them every damn day. but any ways. she had told me that was the nicest thing that any one has ever done for her. and that it was the best present that she has gotten in a long time. and she was so happy about it that. that every time that she saw my she would just smile and be happy. and i was feeding off that. but it was not enough cuz with working with ten people and having most them un happy with me. it just vary hard on me.
so the last few days i have been really sleep depried, cuz our kittens that we found a while back. well one of them had took it upon its self to pee on the bed the other night. and i have about 9 layers of bedding on the bed to make it kind of soft. i haven had a chance to wash it all yet. it didnt touch the bed thankfully. but its been really hard on my body. and i cant sleep. so i think maybe today i might walk it down to the laundry mat and wash it all at once. but i dont know cuz that is a long walk and a lot to carry. so may be..... but i need to get some more sleep. i feel like crap. and i hurt every were.
oh so i did it. i did dye my hair. well last Thursday i did it and its all faded now. have never had a color fade so fast on me. i took cold showers and have only washed my hair 2 times since last Thursday. and only a part of it is blue. which makes me sad. but the purple and pink came out vary pretty. i love it. but i wish had been all blue like i had planed on it being. so what ever.
well this is long enough so have a good day every one. and hope that your b-days that are coming up are good. and for those that have passed already had a good one. love ya all <3 | |
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| so i made it past my 90 days at my job....i still want to quit...but there is a really big up side to it all!! i asked my boss if it was cool to dye my hair, he said it was fine as long as it was in a hair net. and then i asked him if it could be any color... like neon blue.... he said go for it as long as you wear the hair net as you work! i started to jump for joy at that. that was a week ago that i asked him.... i was just going to dye it red again. but now i can have my blue hair back!!! im so so happy about that.
then things from mine and my husbands past are catching up to us. which means the vary first speeding ticket he got has come back and bitting us in the ass right now. but thats okay we have a game plan. :D im planing on getting my drivers lic soon too. :D oh no i will be on the road in no time!! lol.... any ways.
the thing that we had planed for my b-day this year is not going to happen. just like every year. we plan something and then falls through.... T_T just once i would like it to work out. you know just once. every one always forgets my b-day, and then tell me 2 days latter happy b-day.... or they forget and not say anything. i always remeber their b-day, i try to get them a card at least too.... do i get anything? no..... nothing..... when i used to cut my self it made me feel like i was still alive. and then there were times like my b-day that no one would say anything really.... for a while i thought that i was dead to the world. like i was not good enough to be alive and have a good b-day. but what ever.....
other then that.... there is not much else going on in the moment. have a nice day :D | |
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| so today is just one of those days where i wish i could sleep all damn day and be over with it already!! omg!! so i went to bed about 7 am today and then got up at 10 to feed my grandpa, but i asked hubby to do it. he was like i work today. i was like fine what ever. then after feeding him i went back to bed and my damn cats kept fucking with things. that they were not to fuck with. so i put them them in the bat room.
i got to finely sleep some more. then the ass whole neighbor came over and get my grandpa all worked up about every thing and then he was yelling at my hubby, when he was trying to talk to the A.W.N. they last time he was over was about 2 weeks ago and my aunt told him that he has to let hubby or my self know when he is coming over. and what not. cuz we are "renters and have been for the last year and half." well he didn't do that. then hubby calls the sheriff and he shows up and tells the guy that he really don't need to be here. then he finely leaves. the whole time im on the phone talking to my aunt and then i just start crying, no reason other then being vary fucking stressed out. i finely tell her that since hubby and my self is having in come and what not that maybe we can move out. she said okay, "maybe i will post something on craigs list."
hubby and i just cant take this any more. i love my grandfather, don't get me wrong. but this is just too much and then having to work on top of it.
work is going okay. they still talk a lot of shit but not as much any more. i picked up my speed and i don't get behind to much any more. so that has been a little easier on me. but they are still getting on me about a lot of things.
i also now have the new sims 3 game. i love it. and i guess that is all for now.
- Location:bedroom
- Mood:crappy
 - Music:bad ass play list
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| okay there is no way out right now!!! well there is and there is not.... my mothers side of the family are driving me crazy and i don't know what to do about it other then rant and rave on this thing that no one reads!! god why am i so lame.... any ways. so last night i am doing laundry and the washer dies on us. how crappy is that?! but so then for an hour i sat in front of the washer ringing out the wet clothes so that i can put them in the dryer. and hubby is just playing his game.... oh well.... i love him to death do us part and even after death.....but there are some times that i just need to ring his neck and maybe i might feel better....(but then again if i do that he could die and then i would have to kill myself just to stay with him.)
any ways.... of that train of thought.... so work has gotten a little better and since i have been picking up my speed and what not, they haven't really talked to me. i stay in my own little world and not listen to any of them in a while and it has been a lot better...
oh then the lady that my aunt has a restraint order against came by last week, she was like let me talk to your grandpa. and i was like you are not even suppose to be with in 100 yards of the house and my grandfather. you need to get on moving. i was itching for a fight that day.... if she came on the lot then it would have been on like donkey Kong. let me tell you what. i would have gotten her to hit me first and then it would have been on like nothing you would have seen.... this lady is gross looking too... she has no teeth and she is about 5'5''. and she is about 300 lbs. and she is like 48 or something like that.... she could sit on me but that would not help much. i play fight with my hubby who is 5''10' and 360 lbs. and some times i give him a run for his money. (we don't punch or any thing like that, we just try to pin one another.) lol.... that sounded bad... but any ways... i can pick him up and kinda throw him on the bed... so i am no weak little thing.
but yeah any who.... then the next night he gets pulled over for his damn blinkers not working and finds out that his drivers lic is suspended. so there goes out first pay check of the month.... but we are going to make it. we get pay again soon so its not so bad right now. just a little tight... but its not like we haven't had any money be fore kind of thing too. so i was stressing a lot about that and the lady thing...... that was just a bad franking week for me.
but i feel better every thing is falling in to place right now and i feel pretty good. so i think that i am going to take a nap and maybe watch some movies. so talk to you latters....
- Location:bedroom
- Mood:cold
 - Music:sound of the heaters
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| i am sorry that i have not been updating to much as of late. i am now a full time employee. i make $8.00 an hour and i really do not like a lot of my co-workers. i a good person i try to get along with anyone, i give it a shot and if they think that they can be friendly to my face and then back stabbing assholes. then they have messed with the wrong person. and im sick of it. in the month and 13 days that i have been there, i have cried 2 times. and have been contemplating about quitting for the last two weeks. this is the most stressful job i have ever worked and the most frustrating. i was raised to be a strong person and to have a thick hide and not let anything in. then i met my husband and now i cant stop letting things in. even when i was at the highest peek of my depression i was not feeling weak. i just dont understand it most of the time. i look back on those days and i remember how i felt, i wanted to die and never see the light again. and here came my husband and changes all that.
cuz when i was in high school i just stopped caring. about the people around me, about how i felt, about everything. i became this horrible empty shell of a person. then when i met him, everything changed. that first night was crazy, then waking up next to him it was really nice. and i still to this day wake next to him.
anyways. but this job it crazy!!!! i will give it my all till i have to. if they fire me then i can get unemployment, and if i quit by then, i hope to god i have another job in line. :D but other then that.... i was also sick for a week. i had bronchitis. im glad that i caught it early and not latter kind of thing that would have sucked really bad.
there really has not been a lot going on. other then we got a new computer, and its nice having 2 paychecks every two weeks. my grandpa is still the same. and same goes with my aunts. they pretty much dropped him here. they have not been up in a month and half now. "we have other things to do." or "i cant come up cuz i dont want to." i'm so sick of it. and its getting to the point that i really just want to say fuck it and move. but im not like that..... i dont want to leave my poor grandfather to himself. its just that i am so sick of it being like this. he is getting to the point that he just needs to go in to a home. he is able to shower and use the bathroom and things like that. it just that it's hard to take care of him. he is a hoarder, and since code enforcement has been called a lot by neghbors and such. we are to clean up the property. well about 3 weeks ago, maybe its been more then a month.... not sure....anyways. well my husband tries to take some of the trash to be tossed out and my grandpa says that if he dont stop that hes going to him. *grandpa hit my husband* my husband says, this is trash you dont need it and there for its getting tossed. (puts in the trunk of his car to toss in a dumpster.) my grandpa then jumps on my husbands back trying to tackle him. my grandpa is 165 lbs and 6"0 my husband is 5'11 and 360 lbs. (husband said it was like having a 9 year on his back.) so the hubby walks him over by the front door and then says to my grandfather, "you will stay there." talking to him like a child in trouble. my grandpa is 72 years old, has diabetes and something with his memory.
but yeah. all that just cuz my hubby was tossing out molded raged old clothing and rugs. that is what my life is all about. T_T why cant things just work and be good. something always goes wrong and what not. like the washer thing. omg!!! okay when we moved in there was a washer and a dryer.... well the washer is older then i am. and it died about 2 months ago. and so my aunt who owns the house bought a washer from her younger sister. telling me that is newer then one here....well my aunt comes up with it. and it turns out that its is the same age if not a little newer. and now its starting to act all funny like. i am really half temped to just a buy a cheap new one and call it a day. cuz then when we move we will have that to move with us. :D but i have not talked to my hubby about getting a new one..... so we will see... alright i think that this is enough for you all now.... and i feel as though that no one really reads these any ways..... oh well..... bye for now......
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| as you all know now. i have a job at my husbands work place now :D which makes my self and my husband happy cuz now that be both have incomes again it will be so much easier on the both of us :D this week i am working 6 days in a row. and starting today is my 5 am shift. oh i forgot to say that i now work in the kitchen at the place of employment as my husband. and right now i so should be asleep, but i am worried. why you may ask?
well lets see there is so much drama going in and out of the morning staff that most of them are trying to get a lady fired right now. you may ask again, why? well they just don't like her and so they have been setting her up none stop and been trying to get her fired. so now that is said, i think that it is the most stupid thing in the world right now. also it is really hard to come by jobs right now and they are trying to pull that shit. but i will work my hardest and i will keep out of the drama as much as i can. i need this job and i cant lose it till i have another lined up. and i hope that i can keep this for a while. cuz then if i can then i will be able to get my safe sever and work some where that is not so stress full. and i hope that these people like me. cuz if they like me then i have no worries. well not to much.
also they have been training people wrong so that they can get fired before their 90 days are up. now tell me how messed up is that? they dont even give them a chance. they just try and set them up so that the new people can get fired. and that also worries me.
oh i also finely put my foot down and told my aunt off as well this week. and it felt so good. and my husband was so proud of me. and my grandfather has been getting worse and worse. there is a lot of trash bags in the back yard and so he was going through them. now in the bags are old, moldy clothes and stuffed toys. he was taking them and laying out to dry and every thing. that shit is not even his, it was the people that was living here with him crap. and he said he didn't care, it was still good and people could use it. and i said, really? that crap has been sitting out in the rain and is no longer good. no body will take that crap other then the dump. and this was about an hour before i had to go to work today. sadly..... *rolls eyes*
but other then that, i like my job so far. i am having fun. i like the pm crew so far and nothing else should happen unless i fuck up hella bad. but i will not. i will work so hard that i might have to the hospital for my heart. so what ever. but i mean it. i will work as hard and as fast as i can before they can get me fired or what not.
- Location:my room
- Mood:sleepy & stresses
 - Music:my play list on youtube
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i would want to have Emmett Cullen as my pet, why? well he is big and he could protect me, he is funny, and he is cute :D | |
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| okay.....so life so far is going okay. we got the cell phones and now mine is glitching really badly. like i couldn't send a pic text. and we took it in today. the guy fixed it. and now i cant send a regular text with out a damn pic.... and so i am upset at that damn cell phone....
anyways, here is a question for every one.
do you ever look up old friends that have stabbed you in the back more then once and then try to be their friend only to get hurt again? or you befriend them again and it works out better then before? or do you just look them up to see how they are doing and to see if they have forgotten you and moved on with their life? what do you do when you know another friend that knows that old friend and that they ask about you all the time. should you let them back in to your life when every thing seems to be okay? should you be friends with that friend again or so you move on with your life and make new friends to replace that friend? im just wondering because i think of old friends. i think back to how it used to be with them and why they changed, or even if i changed that much to not have them in my life any more. should i go out and make new friends to replace those friends that i had held dear to my heart once? some days i really want to let them back in to my life and have more then the friends that i have now.
it would be nice to have some of those old friends back. some of them were vary close and dear to me. but once high school was done every one changed. even my self. couldn't we have moved on from those issues that we had once high school was done with to still be friends? did we really have to keep all pent up anger in our selves to push those friends away? from living with my grandfather. he has one friend that he has known almost all his life. and they are still the best of friends. they have changed and what not but they are still best friends. why is that with each new generation that they seem more spoiled and more battier? why can't they stay friends?
its just that some times i wish that i could take back some of the things that i have said or done that had pushed some friends away. i wish i had not hurt those that were really there for me when i was in high school. but some times once that i have thought that. it would mean that i regret some of my life. and i have said lot to my self and to some of my friends that "if you regret life, then you regret being born." but some times it gets me thinking. if i regretted my life so much, why did i never do anything to change it? why did i hold back my freshmen year of high school?
i had been cutting to release the pain that i was holding with in my self. (i haven't in four years so don't pity me please.) but back to what i was talking about. should i really make new friends to replace those friends that i have lost? even though each of those friends has made such a imprint in my life? i had loved each and every friend that had walked in and out of my life. in fact i still to this day love most of them. but they no longer have a need or a want from me. am i really that disposable? i could see that... i am not that pretty, rather plain, dull brown hair (natural hair color) dull brown eyes, short, kind of chunky, not too smart. maybe that's all i am for people. maybe all my life really consist of is a stepping stone for others.
but my husband always tells me that i am beautiful and smart. and he makes me say it to my self. and if i don't then he tickles me till i give in.
but anyways. back to the other thing at hand. should i make an effort to make new friends and replace the ones that have made a mark on my heart? or should i let the old ones back in and grad my heart? i mean should i let those friends back in my life? or should i forget them like they have forgotten me? and move on with my life? you know i just don't know any more. i do miss them and want to know how their life is going for them. and i talk to my husband about this all the time. and he always tells me that it is up to me, to do what i think is right. i used to make friends so easily, and now that i am so graded that it is hard for me to make any kind of friend. and i am also always telling my husband that i do not need any friends. but deep down in side some times i wish i did have some friends. to go out to dinner or see a movie, even to just to chat online to.
oh well, it not like a lot of people read this anyways. i geuss i am just typing for nothing really....... good night every one!
 - Location:living room
- Mood:of thought and emotion
 - Music:the sound of the heater and odd nosies about the house
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nyx_abraxas87's journal
